Are Days Off Going to Destroy Me?
I find few things both as beautiful and as terrifying as a day off without plans. An entire day off is so precious that 24 hours of unfilled space can seem like a gift that’s too good to be true. This means I don’t want to waste it. But then I spend so much time thinking about not wasting it that I actually end up wasting it…
Should I create today or not? A common day-off question for me, and if I do decide to create, it better be amazing. Or should I just binge-watch episodes of House M.D. and Master Chef? All this waffling turns my precious day off into a time-sucking monster that eats away at my sense of peace and consumes any motivation to create. (Have I mentioned how dysfunctional I am?)
I feel the same torn feelings about brand new notebooks and a good clean piece of art paper. For me, a blank canvas holds so many possibilities that I can be paralyzed at the thought of ruining it (Natalie Goldberg alludes to some of this in her book Writing Down the Bones).
I’m so scared I’m going to create something terrible that I freeze, and I end up not creating anything. For instance, I spent weeks and weeks debating what I should post on this little blog that I haven’t posted anything in months. This means I’m not improving my craft. I’m letting fear control me.
So what’s the real fear?
I think I fear that this will be the only opportunity. That there won’t be blank pages in the future. Fear that something imperfect I do now will affect my future, which is ultimately a lack of faith. A lack of confidence in myself. A distrust of the people who truly love me - all of me -whether I embarrass myself or not. A lack of trust that there is a God who cares about me and knows what I need each day.
There’s the fear that if I do take a total day off and do absolutely nothing but sit on my butt and watch Netflix, that I’m doing something wrong when really, rest is essential for a creative life.
So there you have it. Those are the fears. The fears I am defying by typing words right here that aren’t perfect. One small step in the battle against perfectionism. Another battle against the blank page won!
TELL ME:
What do you love to do on your day off?
BOHEMIAN CHALLENGE:
Journal the fears you have about creativity and take one small step to defy that fear.